Boundaries in Marriage by Enneagram Type
Guest Blog by E+M Coach Melissa Thompson, Type 2
Whatever type you, your spouse, or your friend/family member are, here are some of the most important ways we can set boundaries with them. First are general tips for any type. Followed by personality type down below!
Boundaries for Everyone
When trying to set boundaries, the goal should be to express your wants, needs, and desires safely.
When someone is trying to speak up for themselves, honor and celebrate that. Remember, it can be difficult for them to bring this up. So be sure to validate or agree with one another as best as you can. This will encourage safety for future boundary setting.
Ask your partner to share their thoughts about your boundaries or requests. Try not to settle for default responses like, “It’s fine, I don’t know, It doesn’t matter, ok, that sounds good…etc.”
Help one another to recognize their/your codependent tendencies (allowing your moods to shift together too much). Share that you’d love to hear the other’s ideas and feelings, but that you need time and space to create your own. Therefore, you can separate your own feelings and not become completely enmeshed in your partner’s feelings in order to feel loved.
Include one another safely in decision-making - don’t make big decisions alone.
Ask one another multiple-choice questions rather than open-ended ones as those can be overwhelming.
Recognize when each of you is being passive-aggressive as anger is not a primary emotion. If you don’t address what’s underneath, you will bury feelings and express them in a nonverbal or indirect way.
Set the environment well. Give each other a safe space to process each of your feelings versus trying to do it in public places or with kids around.
Now, let’s visit boundaries for each Enneagram type.
Type 1: What kind of boundaries should the Type One create?
~ Ones live to make themselves and the rest of the world better. Their greatest fear is that they are innately bad, which is why they are always striving to improve themselves in all areas and follow the rules. Most Ones create clear boundaries. The boundaries distinguish them from others and their environment. This helps the one to be clear about their opinions vs. other’s opinions and also what they think is right vs wrong. Having these boundaries helps the One to stay in control of themselves and their situations. Although these boundaries may not be clearly defined, they can be extremely strong and sometimes rigid. The one has a difficult time being flexible or fluid with their boundaries and sometimes lacks a willingness to explore new things and challenges, especially when it comes to being empathetic with others’ feelings.
How to Help A One Draw Boundaries:
~Remind them that they are innately good.
~Help them to see that that it is not their responsibility to make sure everyone else is responsible.
~Let them know that they can say no to things that are beyond their capacity.
~Remind them that it is important to take time to relax and unwind.
~Help them to recognize that they can forgive themselves when they make a mistake.
~Help them work on boundary flexibility.
~Don’t forget to include lots of COMPASSION and be incredibly gentle when delivering criticism. If a One is nitpicking or criticizing you, don't take it too personally. As critical as Ones can be towards others, they are usually even harder on themselves.
TYPE 2: What kind of boundaries should the Two create?
Being a 2w3 myself I can speak to the boundaries we need to create. Our boundaries vacillate greatly depending on the situation or person. We can have very rigid boundaries, but that's only after we have exhausted ourselves giving so much and our ego takes over. Then we take on a more passive-aggressive approach with our boundaries. Twos are very intuitive to the needs of others. Connections with others are extremely important to us and we build our identities based on interactions with others. We will call ourselves parent, friend, employee, or partner but we often forget what our own identity is. Our identity determines Who we are, not what we do. We lack self-awareness of our own needs but have an extremely high self-awareness of others’ needs.
How to Help a Two Draw Boundaries
~Remind them that they do not have to stay in toxic relationships.
~Tell them they do not need to have others’ approval to do what makes them happy.
~Suggest that they shouldn’t tell people how they want to be treated.
~Encourage them that they don't have to compromise their boundaries for anyone.
~Give them permission to learn to care for themselves and take time for themselves. (self care, self love.)
~ Don’t tell a Two to stop caring for others. It’s who they are. For most Twos, if they feel their partner doesn’t want them to care for others, this will cause great anxiety and a feeling like they are being controlled. Help pave the path for them, almost giving them permission.
~Try to be an active listener when having a conversation with a Two.
Type 3: What kind of boundaries should the Three create?
Threes can wear many masks to fit varying roles in their lives. They have a hard time drawing the “NO” boundary. They are very task-oriented and believe that they are loved for their accomplishments rather than who they authentically are. If Threes aren't careful they can tend to believe that their constructed self is their authentic self. Most Threes do have ample boundaries to help them respond appropriately to their audience. Their core fear is being insignificant or a failure. To cope they look for ways to be valuable. Their core motivation is admiration, again task-oriented. If a Three tries to make everything perfect for someone they love and the task isn’t appreciated, the three will feel like they failed and won’t feel loved.
How to Help a Threes Draw Boundaries:
~Help them to not allow others to disrespect them
~Encourage them to find things that make them happy and brings joy to them. (Not a task to be done for others)
~They don’t have to take on more than they can handle
~They can make self-care a priority. Almost as though you are giving them permission to do so.
~They are loved regardless of accomplishments or not and they don’t need to prove themselves to be loved.
Type 4: What kind of boundaries should the Four create? The Romantic
Fours live for relationships and connection, despite believing they do not belong. Where they lack boundaries, they may fear saying no to an unreasonable request in order to maintain the relationship as they fear rejection. Their inner personal boundaries are that they feel flawed, they feel others possess qualities they lack. All of this despite being creative, unique, emotionally honest and highly intelligent.
How to Help a Four Draw Boundaries:
~Help them to see they are not too much
~Help them see they have agency in the world
~It’s ok if you are misunderstood, this isn’t a failure
~You don’t have to conform in order to fit in
~They aren’t responsible for others’ emotions
~They can take time to process feelings
Type 5: What kind of boundaries should the Five create? The Observer
The Five researches everything and can create strong or rigid boundaries based on their research. I wouldn’t say they lack boundaries. They could work on softening their boundaries. They are private, independent and very analytical. The Five brings many strengths to a relationship such as insight, curiosity, and intellect. However, they have shallow energy to spend on others. They may lack personal boundaries. They easily detach from their own emotions when they feel their environment is overwhelming. This helps them find freedom when the world feels intrusive or neglectful. They may replace consuming knowledge with human connection as others may seem too much for them. I think the young Five learned the inner regulation of needs being met is based on many not having their caretakers responsive to their needs and found that inner regulation was necessary along with knowledge.
How to Help a Five Draw Boundaries:
~They are not powerless when it comes to expressing their needs and emotions.
~It’s safe to not detach from their emotions
~Soften some of the boundaries you have towards others
~Remind them they are brave for showing up despite their fears rather than isolate
~Allow them space to process, but remind them it’s safe to revisit the topic and discuss it.
~Keep conflict at a minimum for them
~Remind them that their vulnerabilities are a gift, not a burden
~They have a right to end a relationship if it’s draining
~ You can say no to things that you don’t have the capacity for
Type Six: What kind of boundaries should the Six create? The Supporter
Sixes are concerned with the common good. They are also committed to loyalty in relationships. Most Sixes have complex and inconsistent boundaries and managing them takes a great deal of energy. The Six needs boundaries to give them a sense of security. Sixes send out numerous boundary feelers simultaneously in order to determine what might happen next, is this person safe or trustworthy. Sixes struggle with fear. They struggle to forgive and forget. To them, forgiveness is a sign of weakness and they believe they must guard and protect themselves from potentially hurtful people.
How to Help a Six Draw Boundaries:
~Encourage them to spend time calming their minds a few times a day.
~Encourage them to limit their exposure to those who create anxiety
~It’s ok if not everyone agrees with them, they are safe.
~To work on forgiving others. Again, remind them they are safe and forgiveness doesn't mean they are vulnerable.
~Encourage them but don’t belittle their fears.
~Appreciate their need for time and space to process thoughts and feelings.
Type Seven: What kind of boundaries should the Seven create? The Enthusiast
Seven is a wonderful friend, partner and coworker. They are optimistic, driven by adventure, fun, and light-hearted. Sevens struggle to confront their feelings especially when they perceive their emotions as negative. They long for a safe world and choose to see the best in people. In their weakness, they can be hard-headed and opinionated and have a hard time following through on commitments. Often seek the next best experience which may leave their partner feeling like they aren't good enough. help your partner to understand that peace will come when they embrace the present moment, help them witness… to be present.
How to Help a Seven Draw Boundaries:
~ Help them to embrace their feelings, negative or painful as they may be, that they are safe and their feelings are genuine.
~Have your own hobbies and passions so that the Seven doesn't feel weighed down by codependent tendencies. as this makes them feel trapped by your needs and expectations.
~Help them to create safe boundaries as they have few of them as they serve as limits.
~Support the Seven in getting ideas done. They generate lots of wonderful ideas but sometimes lack follow-through.
~ Avoid routine, the Seven does not like predictable routines because feeling stuck is painful for them and they want to avoid pain.
~ Help them in conversations to be present and gently ask them to pay attention to what you are saying and that what they are thinking and what to say is very important as well.
~ Help them to say no. They like to say yes to encourage new ideas however this does not mean they will follow through with it. Help them by revisiting the conversation or task at hand.
Typ Eight: What kind of boundaries should the Eight create? The Challenger
Eights are excellent leaders and they take charge of their environment well. They have a knack for knowing how to get things done. Eights by nature have very strong or rigid boundaries. They are highly passionate about what and who they believe in. Eights are often misunderstood as they can be very controlling. This is because they have a fear of being controlled. being controlled makes them feel weak and vulnerable. The Eight has a motto: “Say what you mean and mean what you say!” The Eight does not fear conflict and sometimes enjoys it as it makes it feel like they are connecting with you.
How to help Eights Draw Boundaries:
~Help them to soften their boundaries. Remind them they are not vulnerable for doing so.
~Remind them not everyone has to agree with them.
~They do not need to be the solver of all problems. Help them to allow others to solve problems even if the path looks different.
~Help them to take time to be active, self-care to ground themselves.
~Remind them to include you in making decisions.
~Be straightforward and honest with them. They don’t like the beat-around-the-bush technique.
~You can’t force an eight to be vulnerable. Respect their directness.
~Have boundaries with your eight so they don’t take advantage of you.
~They don’t like to be told what to do, so when approaching an Eight, remember they fear being controlled more than the need to control you.
Type Nine: What kind of boundaries should the Nine create? The Peacemaker
Most Nines have very flexible or fluid boundaries or none at all. they fear conflict and boundaries represent conflict loss, pain abandonment rejection. The Nine is the chameleon on the enneagram. They are at the top of the Enneagram and can relate to all the types under them. It's almost like a superpower that they can see all sides of any conversation. This is a strength as well as a weakness. Nines often feel like their wants, needs, desires, and opinions don't matter in the big picture therefore they are willing to let others dictate, decide or answer for them. For example, if you think the house looks great in a horrid color they most likely will agree with you because they feel their opinion doesn't matter anyways and won't change anything. I often have my nine clients right down what their ideal boundary would be and what their greatest fear is of that boundary. then I have them ask themselves if they would survive their greatest fear in setting that boundary. The answer is almost always yes. Yet, you can't put up a fence on your property if you don't know the defined borders of your property.
How to help Nines Draw Boundaries:
Help them (or you) to practice saying,
Look at your/their values and where you can start implementing the boundaries.
Say the following to yourself (below)
I'm allowed to say no. I'm allowed to say I don't like something.
I'm allowed to say I would prefer something else.
I'm allowed to say that doesn't make me feel good or right.
I can be mindful of my body.
I can identify how I feel when one of my boundaries has been crossed.
If something makes me feel off or uncomfortable, then I ask others to be aware of that so I can take time to figure out if a boundary has been crossed.
To work with Melissa on setting boundaries, please call or text 941-301-8420 or contact us directly here!
